Hello all, Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great holidays
Last year was very bitter for me, started ok, but then in July just got bad to worse. Once again my heart was fooled and my life at home is really bad. Since we have a huge lack of money, stress levels are really high and me and my parents spent all days fighting or not talking at all to each other, not even when we are having dinner (when we have food to eat). But, the good thing is, i found someone to help me to put some food on the table, but still, sometimes in the weekends we dont eat at all, the thing is or we pay the bills and dont eat, or we eat and dont pay the bills, really hard to balance that,we live day by day, but i feel really blessed and gratefull to have that extra help.
Everyday it gets harder.
Everyday it's like a nightmare progressing on.
Everyday is another prayer echohing from my bones asking God to take me now.
Everyday I close up more.
Everyday it gets more impossible.
Everyday I feel myself die some more.
Everyday I lay on my bed wondering how I'll leave this hell.
I've never felt so much pain.
Personally, my depression is getting worse and worse and I feel like i'm drowning. I'm all alone, the few people I trust just turn their back on me, once they were here, now they are gone, i dont even know why. Well, i do know, no one wants to deal with a person like me, with all these problems and shit. I never fail to my friends, no matter what is going on in my life i'm always there to who needs, no matter what. But me... no, i'm always alone, no will tell me everything will be ok, no one will give me hugs and make me smile. I always cry alone, my best and worse time, i spent them alone.
I laugh when those old ladies, neighboors, ask my mom if i have a boyfriend, cause really... what guy wants a girl like me, full of shit, ugly, fat and crippled. This was never an issue for me, but now, i just hate myself, i avoid mirrors, i dont let my mom put the mirrors she wants to put in the livingroom. I dont show to people how i really feel, i always have a smile for everyone.
I'm such a disappointment, I failed to make something usefull with my life, i'm a dead weight to my parents and no matter what i do, i cant keep the ones i love near me. Everytime i woke up, i'm like "oh shit, i'm still breathing", i'm only alive cause i'm to coward to end it. But i do, i bet in a few days no one will remember me, and my parents will forget me soon enough.
I keep doing my photography cause its the only thing that keeps me going, although my sales was a disaster in 2015, but i just keep doing it, for me, my heart still beats cause of it, one day i hope someone will understand the way i see (or saw) the world.
I'm to damaged, to broken, to useless to exist... and i know no one will read this, but while my tears run down my face, deep down i hope someone will read this and understand a little of what i feel.