I can't sleep again... what else is new? Been away lately, lots of things going on, most of them bad . My grandfather had a stroke and its in the hospital since last week and my grandmother is in hospital too with breathing problems; they're my dad's parents. So that and other things, like money problems and so on, is really bring me down, i feel terribly lonely and sad.
This year was very hard for me, living day by day afraid of losing everything, even my house. Since my dad lost his job, we live in a nightmare: or we pay the bills and don't eat, or we eat and don't pay the bills, and most of the time money its not enough for both. I really don't expose my life that much, most of the time cause its nobody business lol or cause i'm just to boring and have nothing to share.
Its not really easy for me to be a photographer. We see lots of true stories about people that lose their legs or their arms and they do all of kinds of stuff that we thought it was impossible. Good for them, they're inspiring. But i didn't get that kind of luck or strength. Since i was born destiny put some kind of challenge in my life. My first 12 years were spent in a hospital, in and out, and after 39 surgeries i end up losing my legs and still having problems in my bones on both legs. That didn't stop me to try and live my life as normal as possible, but photography sometimes, is a bit of a challenge, but i love it, what can i say? And on top of that, depression and ansiety are really a pain in the ass.
Usualy i don't share this with anyone, at least on web, cause people just go away after talking about this (yes, many turn their back on me), but why not? Most of times i just wanna die, but at least i get to be honest and tell a little of my story. Most people think that things are really easy for me cause of my problem, but its not like that. Nothing is never easy. I smile, even when my soul is dying and i say "i'm fine". People hurt me so bad and still, i give them a smile and a hug if they need a friend (now, i'm being insane, lol, but its true).
I know my photography is different. I take pictures of what i see and how i see it, my dad says it won't take my anywhere, cause i don't follow some rules, but its fine. Thats how i see the world, at least a piece of my world is like that. I can't take pics of the tears and the pain i feel everyday, but really, some of my pics just have that sad feeling… but i'm happy my photos aren't as dark as i am inside. And yes, most of them are sunsets and sunrises, cause i'm so addicted to that moment, that feeling of hope that its a new day and everything is going to be ok… but is not, its never ok, but a fake smile a few hidden tears makes it ok. I'm not perfect, i don't wanna be. I'm to hard with myself and i punish myself forever if i do a really bad mistake or hurt someone i love.
So, no Christmas for me this year, but its ok. I'm really not sure if i even care anymore about anything. I just want people to see what i do, thats all… i just want that feeling i'm a loser and i fail in everything to go away.
So… yeah, just want it to let out, i don't know, maybe someone will listen. Sorry my badly written english
Not in the mood to do anything... i feel useless, we are about to lose our home, since we can't make the monthly payments and i can't do nothing to help. Everytime i go to sleep i wish i would never wake up again, everyday i keep asking myself why i have to be here and breath every single day. I'm nothing, i can'do nothing, in 30 years i done nothing....i'm just dead weight.
I feel really small in this big world, feeling hopeless and deeply sad. I want to cry in my little corner till i go to sleep, something i don't do for a day or two, hidding my secrets and my pain from everyone and wishing someone will hold me and say everything will be ok...
Help one of my groups be a super group, donate points on my account =CarlaSophia