This year was very hard for me, living day by day afraid of losing everything, even my house. Since my dad lost his job, we live in a nightmare: or we pay the bills and don't eat, or we eat and don't pay the bills, and most of the time money its not enough for both. I really don't expose my life that much, most of the time cause its nobody business lol or cause i'm just to boring and have nothing to share.
Its not really easy for me to be a photographer. We see lots of true stories about people that lose their legs or their arms and they do all of kinds of stuff that we thought it was impossible. Good for them, they're inspiring. But i didn't get that kind of luck or strength. Since i was born destiny put some kind of challenge in my life. My first 12 years were spent in a hospital, in and out, and after 39 surgeries i end up losing my legs and still having problems in my bones on both legs. That didn't stop me to try and live my life as normal as possible, but photography sometimes, is a bit of a challenge, but i love it, what can i say? And on top of that, depression and ansiety are really a pain in the ass.
Usualy i don't share this with anyone, at least on web, cause people just go away after talking about this (yes, many turn their back on me), but why not? Most of times i just wanna die, but at least i get to be honest and tell a little of my story. Most people think that things are really easy for me cause of my problem, but its not like that. Nothing is never easy. I smile, even when my soul is dying and i say "i'm fine". People hurt me so bad and still, i give them a smile and a hug if they need a friend (now, i'm being insane, lol, but its true).
I know my photography is different. I take pictures of what i see and how i see it, my dad says it won't take my anywhere, cause i don't follow some rules, but its fine. Thats how i see the world, at least a piece of my world is like that. I can't take pics of the tears and the pain i feel everyday, but really, some of my pics just have that sad feeling… but i'm happy my photos aren't as dark as i am inside. And yes, most of them are sunsets and sunrises, cause i'm so addicted to that moment, that feeling of hope that its a new day and everything is going to be ok… but is not, its never ok, but a fake smile a few hidden tears makes it ok. I'm not perfect, i don't wanna be. I'm to hard with myself and i punish myself forever if i do a really bad mistake or hurt someone i love.
So, no Christmas for me this year, but its ok. I'm really not sure if i even care anymore about anything. I just want people to see what i do, thats all… i just want that feeling i'm a loser and i fail in everything to go away.
So… yeah, just want it to let out, i don't know, maybe someone will listen. Sorry my badly written english
I just have to say, life isn't easy. Ever. We never get breaks, we never get uplifting feelings of "finally, someone saved me." No, we can only save ourselves and be proud that we pushed through some hard shit. I can't say I have had a life-long struggle like you have, but the past 5 years have been crazy for me. Death, loss, pain, death. Photography has given me an outlet for all the things I never say to other people, or are just too afraid to share with other people. For a long time, my mother laughed off photography and assumed it was just a hobby I would get bored of. But once I graduated college and told her I am perusing photography you would have thought she saw three heads on my shoulders. I stopped caring what other people think about my photography a long time ago, when everyone said I sucked. I became a better person and a better photographer by pushing through and continuing to shoot when everyone told me it was pointless and I will never go anywhere with it. They were all wrong. And there is nothing better than proving people wrong. Your journal touched me, It was honest and refreshing. I can relate to a lot of what you said.
"Nothing is never easy. I smile, even when my soul is dying and i say "i'm fine". People hurt me so bad and still, i give them a smile and a hug if they need a friend."
If that isn't the definition courage and strength, I don't know what is. I feel the same way a lot. I don't like to share my thoughts with others, I don't want to burden people with my problems. I suck it up and smile and hug the person who is hurting me even if I'm crumbling on the inside. That's all we can do right? I can't change other people. I can't make people like me, respect me, I can't make people like my photography. What I can change is myself and my path in life. I just want to give you some advice. Never stop shooting if it is what you love. Who cares if other people like it or don't like it. Do it for yourself. Photography saved me, It's the only thing that really got me though some of my worst moments in life. It was always there encouraging me to come into another world. To escape the horrible realities of life. It still does. And you know what? I think I will be okay now. I know I will always have something I love pushing me to explore my innermost thoughts, horrors, and experiences. I always have an outlet for my emotions. And because of my perseverance, I will always have a job... even if it isn't so consistent right now. I know I will find a way to make it work because I love it.
Also, thank you so much for the feature! Which is why I stumbled upon your journal.
Dearest Carla....................KEEP on doing what you are doing. Life is not 'fair' and this is true for everyone. I have had (63yrs) of seemingly 'insurmountable' problems BUT I am still here and a nicer person because of it. I love you art. One day, you will wake up and know that you are someone who is loved. BIG hugs
Don't give up! I am sorry that things are so bad for you...... I don't know if you know but I did buy one of your prints, it's called magical essence.....I am going to hang it up in my kitchen I really like the photo, it reminds me of a nice summer day somewhere beautiful like out in the country....... i know it says paris on the bottle but for some reason it makes me think of italy.........I really like it, and I just wanted you to know that you to know that your photography will be hung up in my house and every time I look at it, (even tho I have never met you), I will think of you and when people ask me who took it I will tell them
Life is very hard I have been through a lot myself, photography has been a saint for me because it is a way to express myself. Never lose that passion you have, you take wonderful photo's and even in the darkest of days, just remember someone halfway across the world hung a photo of yours for every one to see because the person who bought it sees the same passion in the photo that she has about photography.